|
 Savage Love
by Dan Savage
Recently I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first
began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of
any partnership he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this
with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend
my limited free time with him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners.
My work situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen experiences in the past
year.
I have discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact, they’re a
turn-off. I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don’t feel like having sex for
days. We’ve discussed this at length, and we’ve been seeing a counselor. Recently, we
had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having these sexual
experiences without me, since I don’t find them compelling. This idea appealed to him.
He proposed going to a sex party by himself that very night.
Ever since then I’ve been crushed by the prospect of my husband having a sex life
outside of our relationship. Since we met his sexuality has had an outward trajectory
rather than being relationship-centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with him
is enough for me. He makes a good point that he’s been straight about his desire for
this lifestyle since day one, but I’m still frustrated and horrified that my husband
needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can’t help but feel hurt that I alone am
not enough for him.
I’d appreciate your straight, honest feedback on this.
Sex Best One on One
Straight, honest feedback: You’re an idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about
the “outward trajectory” of his sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could
never be satisfied in a marriage that didn’t involve “open sexuality” and swinging.
Don’t come crying to me now because the man you married wants to actually have sex with
other people. You knew that before you married him, SBOOO, because he fucking told you
so.
You’re unlikely to encounter a marriage counselor who’ll take your husband’s side
(nonmonogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!), SBOOO, so I’m going to aggressively
come to his defense: You’re never going to convince your husband that one-on-one ought
to be enough for him. Sorry. You’re also going to have a hard time convincing him that
you didn’t deceive him in the run-up to this marriage. When he told you that monogamy
was a deal-breaker, SBOOO, you replied that you were “free-spirited” and willing to
“explore.” But, alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from embarking on
any explorations until after the wedding, and only then—only after he married you—did
you discover that your husband’s sexual interests both frustrated and horrified.
How convenient.
Because if you’d been a little less stressed at work, SBOOO, maybe you could’ve made
time for a little swinging before the wedding. Then you might’ve learned that
nonmonogamy wasn’t for you and been able to give this amazing man that information
before he married your ass. Oh, but your work schedule didn’t allow for premarital
explorations, and now this amazing man has to decide whether to go through the hell of a
divorce—knowing full well that he’ll be seen as the bad guy by all your relatives and
friends and 99.99 percent of marriage counselors—or give in to your emotional, sexual
and financial blackmail. Want more evidence that you weren’t negotiating with your
husband in good faith before the wedding, SBOOO? How about this: You aren’t negotiating
with him in good faith now. So you recently had “a civil discussion” with him about the
possibility of his going to sex parties alone—how many uncivil discussions have you
had?—but then you were crushed when he wanted to take you up on this proposed
compromise. So once again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree to his fucking
around in principle, once again he proposes fucking around in earnest and once again you
lose your shit—only this time you go boohooing to an advice columnist and not a marriage
counselor.
Sorry, SBOOO, you picked the wrong columnist. You want and always wanted a monogamous
commitment. Free spirit, my ass. Don’t drag this out. You are—surprise!—sexually
incompatible. Divorce. Get it over with.
I’m in my 20s and have a loving girlfriend. We have phenomenal sex, but I love anal
sex and she doesn’t. We’ve done it many times, but it’s always painful for her and that
makes it less enjoyable for me. Now every time I bring it up, she’s against it.
Off the Pot
Taking less enjoyment in anal sex when it causes your partner pain—you’re a gentleman,
OTP. But chivalry requires more of you, I’m afraid: Your girlfriend tried it and doesn’t
like it, and you can’t expect her to keep doing it. If you can’t live without the butt,
break up with the girlfriend. If you can’t live without the girlfriend, break up with
the butt.
I’m a male with submissive tendencies and my wife decides when I get to orgasm. We
have sex regularly, but she only lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that I’m more
attentive to her now that we’re doing “orgasm denial,” and I get to scratch my
submissive itch. Ain’t life grand?
Here’s my question: I enjoy pushing the limits, and I’ve gone as long as six weeks
without release. (We use a CB-6000 chastity cage on my cock so I won’t succumb in a
moment of weakness.) But I’m a little concerned about the effects on my prostate. After
several weeks of denial, I leak precome when aroused. I’ve read that recent studies
showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Am I putting
myself at greater risk by ejaculating so infrequently? Can you ask your medical expert?
Loving Orgasms and Denial Every Day
Two orgasm-denial questions in two weeks—it’s officially a trend! Can a Good
Morning America segment be far behind?
“We still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate cancer,” says Dr.
Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine at the University of Washington and our
resident medical expert. “There are some clues—red meat, probably bad; vegetables,
probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful—but we’re really still in the dark.” And
while most studies have shown frequent ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one
recent study out of the U.K. showed the exact opposite.
So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study, advises Gaster. “[That study]
followed U.S. men for eight years and found that those with the most ejaculations per
month (more than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those
who were having fewer per month (about five).”
But there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: “The 5 percent of men who
reported having zero to three per month appeared to have a lower risk for prostate
cancer as well,” says Gaster. “The caveat is that this group was too small to make
definite conclusions about them. But it looks like coming more than 20 times a month
could be good for you in terms of prostate cancer, but it’s unlikely that coming very
little, like zero to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared to
coming once or twice a week.”
So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because it would appear that
moderation in pursuit of prostate health is no virtue.
|
rss
email
print
rss