Simon sez: "It was dour and depressing."

False Idols

Antony and the Johnsons meet American Idol.

by Brian McManus

In its seventh season, American Idol has mixed it up. They’ve added a judge to pick up Paula’s drug-fogged slack and have cut back on the number of audition shows leading off the season, those horribly painful exhibitions where Simon Cowell’s barbed and cruel wit are on full display. As such, the footage of Antony Hegarty— transgendered, soul-searching and tender leader of Antony and the Johnsons, whose new The Crying Light is currently bowling over critics with its orchestral hum and restrained beauty—ended up on the cutting room floor. PW uncovered the transcript.

Simon: “Oh, good. What’s your name?”

Antony: “Antony Hegarty.”

Simon: “And where are you from, Anthony?”

Antony: “Antony. I’m from … ”

Simon: “Antony?”

Antony: “Antony. No ‘h.’ Born in England, raised in San Jose, California. Now living in New York City.”

Simon: “All right then, Antony. What are you going to sing for us today?”

Antony: “I’m going to sing an original, ‘Another World.’”

Simon: “Well, that’s unorthodox, but why wouldn’t it be? You seem to revel in being unorthodox.”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “What? What did I say?”

Paula: “Don’t be rude.”

Antony: “Hi, Paula.”

Paula: “Hi, Anthony.”

Antony: “I was a huge fan growing up.”

Simon: “No surprise there.”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “What? There are particular traits your male fans seem to have in common and, if I’m being honest, Antony seems to have all of them.”

Paula: “So rude. Ready when you are, Anthony.”

Antony [singing]: “I need another place/ Will there be peace?/ I need another world/ This one’s nearly gone … ”

Simon: “Thank youuu. Je-sus.”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “It was dour. It was depressing. And it was weird. Antony, tell me, why are you here? Why are you the American Idol?”

Antony: “Why am I here or why do I want to be the American Idol?”

Simon: “Why are you here? Honestly, you can’t think you have a shot, do you?”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “Oh, come now. It just gets boring, really. These strange people waltz through the door hoping to get their 15 minutes with their weird outfits and weird songs and weird … I mean, honestly, Antony. What is it you’re wearing?”

Antony: “A dress.”

Simon: “A dress, right. Are you a woman?”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “What? He has very feminine features and is wearing a dress.”

Antony: “I’m transgendered.”

Simon: “Perfect. Transgendered. And I guess that would explain the makeup.”

Antony: “That’s more for theater’s sake.”

Simon: “Well, it’s more foolish than dramatic.”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “And your voice. What was that? So incredibly odd.”

Paula: “Simon!”

Simon: “Randy, what did you think of his/her voice?”

Randy: “Wowww. Dude. Dawg, it was strange, dawg.”

Simon: “Utterly strange.”

Antony: “People think that at first maybe, but they warm to it. People begin to really like it.”

Paula: “It’s an acquired taste.”

Simon: “An acquired taste? Not on your life. Tom Waits’ voice is an acquired taste. Antony’s is … something else.”

Randy: “Dawg, it was strange, dawg. I mean, dude, dawg. Mannnn. Dawg. Wowww.”

Simon: “You can’t tell me anyone would ever like your voice. Who would warm to it?”

Antony: “My first album with my band the Johnsons I Am a Bird Now won the Mercury Prize in England. It’s awarded to the album considered best in England or Ireland in a given year. It also won Pitchfork’s Album of the Year for 2005.”

Simon: “No accounting for taste.”

Randy: “Dawg, you’ve got an album out, dawg?”

Antony: “Two. And an EP.”

Simon: “Who on earth … ?”

Antony: “Björk is a fan. I’ve performed with her. Lou Reed likes me.”

Simon: “Neither can sing. So anyway, Antony. It’s a no from me. Randy?”

Randy: “Naw, dawg. It was weird, dawg.”

Simon: “New chick?”

New chick: “I’ve written and produced songs for Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Santana and Pink, just to name a few.”

Simon: “Good God. We know. Paula?”

Paula: “I’d like to hear more.”

Simon: “Wha … why?”

Paula: “I like him, Simon, and I am entitled to my opinion! It’s a smoky, thick, sexy voice. It’s like a creepy cabaret-chic. I think, as New York Magazine said, it evokes an “almost mythic personal loneliness,” which is something I identify with. And I like that you look different, Anthony. I like that you’re doing something out there. What else you have for us, Anthony? Something we might know?”

Antony: “I did a cover of Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love’ on tour stops in Dalhalla, Sweden, Istanbul and Italy. I performed it at the Apollo too and it went over great. Fans loved it.”

Randy: “Wowww. Dude. You’re like the real deal, huh, dawg?”

Simon: “I will not have you butcher Beyonce in my presence. Sing your original again and I’ll try not to cut you off.”

Antony [singing]: “Still have too many dreams/ Never seen the light/ I need another world/ A place where I can go/ I’m gonna miss the sea/ Gonna miss the snow/ Gonna miss the bees/ Miss the things that grow/ I’m gonna miss the trees/ I’m gonna miss miss the sun/ I’ll miss the animals/ I’m gonna miss you all.”

Simon walks out. Paula cries. Randy says “dawg” twice. Fin.