illustration by robert ullman

Savage Love

by Dan Savage

Whatever you do, FOG, don’t do those things you, um, already said you don’t want to do. No one should boo or throw shoes or do anything disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend they’re the persecuted ones around here, and booing or throwing shoes or even just turning your back on Warren—the gay hatin’, right-wing Christian bigot Barack Obama invited to give the invocation at his inauguration—will invariably be spun as an attack on people of faith, as a vicious assault on prayer itself, as the moral equivalent of a syphilitic rent boy pissing directly into the open mouth of a crying baby Jesus.

Instead, borrow a page from those long-suffering gay Catholics. To register their displeasure with the pope’s revealing obsession with gay sex, gay marriage and gay shoes (the douchebag wears Prada), some gay Catholics wear rainbow sashes to mass. Perhaps folks disappointed by Warren’s participation could coordinate a similar sartorial protest? Everyone wear a button with that rainbow-striped version of the Obama logo? Wave little rainbow flags during Warren’s remarks? Head to the Mall in nothing but rubber chaps?

And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life …

My life’s purpose over the last week was reading thousands of proposed new definitions for “saddlebacking” sent in by my readers. As with the new definition of santorum crafted by Savage Love readers (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex”), the new definition of “saddlebacking” has to be some act that 1) needs a name but doesn’t already have one (we can’t just rename “reverse cowgirl,” people) and 2) is naughty enough to discomfort, say, a Rev. Warren, but something that actual people might actually do because that’s the only way the actual word will actually get used.

So I’ve disqualified proposed definitions that were too literal (“putting an actual saddle on someone’s actual back and actually riding them”), too gross (“to crap on someone’s back and then sit on it, moving forward and back while making horse-riding-related noises like ‘giddyap!’ and ‘whoa!’”), too complicated (“one person on all fours with a strap-on strapped to their midsection, a second person riding said strap-on, and a third person hitting the first person from behind while holding on for dear life/giving a handjob to the second person”) or too bitter (“when you give someone some kind of basic human right, like marriage, and then take it away again after a few months”). Here are the proposed definitions that made the cut:

1) Logically, if “barebacking” means having butt sex with no condom, then “saddlebacking” should mean having butt sex with a condom.

2) Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive. E.g., “I don’t know why Obama is letting Rick Warren saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.”

3) The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife’s sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your partner won’t allow anal entry.

4) To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a saddlebacker.

5) “Saddlebacking” should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. “After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.” Please, please adopt this definition!

6) Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at the culmination of doggy-style anal sex.

7) Before being invited to give the invocation, Mr. Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life. Therefore, “to saddleback” is to fuck with a purpose, i.e., to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they’re trying to have children could reply, “No, we’re not ready for kids yet, but we’ll probably start saddlebacking next year.”

Those are the nominees, ladies and gentlemen. But before we open the polls for a vote—you’re going to pick the winning definition!—let me quickly handicap the candidates:

1) I like the idea that “sex” is understood to include condoms and that sex without condoms—bareback sex—needs a special term. But tons of people suggested that “saddlebacking” should be the opposite of “barebacking,” so here it is. 2) Seems a bit tortured and unlikely to come into common usage, but I like the point the reader is making with this definition, so I included it. 3) Technically this kind of assfuckery—butt-cheek fucking à la titty fucking, with no actual penetration—is a form of frottage, but like a woman doing a man in the butt with a strap-on dildo (dubbed “pegging” by Savage Love readers), this particular brand of rubbing off could use a name of its own. 4) One of my favorites—but does a Haggard or Craig tumble out of the closet often enough for the term to come into use? 5) Hilarious—and an entirely appropriate way to honor Rev. Warren, who’s a proponent of abstinence education, the “sex ed” that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn’t actually sex. 6) A common move—and not just in porn—that could use a name. 7) Makes sense, so here it is. But I imagine Warren would approve of this definition—except when lesbians used it (even you, Melissa E.!).

Okay, Savage Love readers, “saddlebacking” is in your hands now. Vote for your favorite definition from the list of nominees by sending an email to saddleback@savagelove.net. You must include “saddleback” and the number of your preferred definition in the subject line to have your vote count (“saddleback: 1,” “saddleback: 2,” etc.). Vote now!