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Stereotypewriter

Resolutions I'd like to see music make in 2009.

Ah, the New Year. A hard reboot, it’s everyone’s chance to start fresh. And music stars are just like the rest of us: They’ve made (and will break) their resolutions too.

Britney Spears revealed to German magazine Bild she wants to stop biting her nails in 2009. Kanye West told Us Weekly he wants to be “as nice as possible to the press,” no easy feat for him. (If Kanye’s relationship with the press were a Miller Analogy it would look something like Kanye : the press :: George Bush : black people.)

More resolutions from the music world: Fergie of Black Eyed Peas and president of Butterface Inc. wants to work out more and eat healthier. Ashlee Simpson wants to strive to be a better mom to her son Bronx Nougat Borough Priestly Mowgli Simpson-Wentz in ’09. Incidentally, I resolve to not write another word about either of them for the rest of the year.

Want more musician resolutions? Of course you don’t. Because who gives a fuck, honestly. But below I’ve come up with a list of resolutions I’d like to see musicians and people working in music make this year.

The Trocadero established itself as the venue of note for hip-hop last year with tons of great bookings, and I hope it’s something they continue in 2009. I’d also like to see them make a resolution to ensure the headlining act at these shows goes on before 1 a.m. Especially on weeknights.

Philadelphia rappers Writtenhouse were one of the stellar acts booked by the Troc this year. They opened for Wu Tang (who went on at 1:11 a.m.). I’d like to see the rest of the Philly hip-hop community resolve to drop the bullshit bravado and take some notes from Writtenhouse, who go about their business with a poetic vibe that’s more De La Soul than DMX.

Chris Norris is a features writer who penned a fantastic cover story about Rush for Rolling Stone last year. He also wrote about Heath Ledger’s death in a http://nymag.com/news/features/44217/" target="_blank">New York magazine piece, “Untitled Heath Ledger Project,” that remains the most solidly written coverage of that sad saga. I hope every publication I read—Vanity Fair, Blender, Esquire, Ebony, Juggs, Highlights, etc.—makes a resolution to keep hiring this guy. He’s nails.

Speaking of writers, PW’s local music ace Doug Wallen is local no more. He’s moved to Australia with his wife. Wallen cares more about Philadelphia’s musicians, the music they make and their stories than anyone I’ve ever met. If you care too, and can turn thoughts into words and words into written sentences, email me about filling the giant gaping hole he’s left on his way to Oz at the email address by my byline.

I’d like the NFL to resolve to stop ruining AC/DC for me by playing them all the damn time. And, though it’s not related to music per se (or at all), I’d like Fox to get rid of that ridiculous football-playing robot that warms up by stretching in and out of every commercial break during its NFL broadcasts.

Last year actress Scarlett Johansson recorded an album of Tom Waits’ covers, Anywhere I Lay My Head. Though I’m biased (I have a penis, you see), I thought it wasn’t half bad. Still, most critics panned in unmercifully. I’d like to see more actresses resolve to turn the music they love into expensive vanity projects this year—shining a light on overlooked and misunderstood male troubadours who’ve inspired them. Just imagine the possibilities: Jennifer Love Hewitt does Beefheart. Renee Zellweger does Nick Cave. Jessica Alba does Phil Collins.

Bret Michaels says his new reality show Rock of Love Bus will be the final in his quest to find love from women made of roughly 51 percent plastic and aired on television. I want it in writing. And I want the writing in his blood. He’s diabetic, and this will likely kill him. If so, I resolve to hold back my tears, no matter how hard it may be. (It will not be hard.) (At all.)

Mamma Mia! is the highest grossing movie of all time in Britain. Because of this, I’d like the entire nation to resolve to drop its smug sense of superiority. Oh, wait. I suddenly just realized what I’m saying here: Titanic > Mamma Mia! and, in essence, Celine Dion > ABBA. D’oh! You win again, assholes!

Bands that have broken up should make a resolution this year to stay broken up. I’m looking at you, Led Zeppelin! And you, Police. Also you, Eagles. Oh, and you too, Rage Against the Machine. And you, Van Halen. Don’t you dare, Phil Collins-era Genesis. Or you, Gang of Four. You too, Pixies! And you as well Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, Sex Pistols, the Doors, Stone Temple Pilots, Mötley Crüe, Yes, Dinosaur Jr. and Journey.